What’s Your Parenting Style?
What is your Parenting Style?
Why Does Knowing Our Parenting Style Matter?
I want to start off by saying there is no “cookie-cutter perfect way” to parent. This isn’t something that we’re born knowing. We often learn from how we were raised until perhaps that way of parenting no longer works for your unique family values and circumstances.
Understanding the different styles of parenting can be particularly helpful in understanding which style we ourselves were raised with and how this may impact how we now parent.
This can be particularly helpful if you and your spouse were raised with different parenting styles with opposing views on how to resolve conflicts, discipline your child, roles each parent plays or even how we show affection.
Reflection Exercise:
Which parenting style were both you and your spouse raised with?
Does this align with how you desire to parent?
Which parenting style do you use most often right now? And Why? What’s important to you about it?
Which parenting style aligns most with how you would like to parent? And Why? What’s most important to you about it?
If there are differences between how you and your spouse desire to parent, it can be a helpful exercise to sit down together and go through these questions together while keeping an open mind. It can help to better understand where or why both you and your spouse may see things a certain way or feel strongly about some views.
It can offer clarity on understanding where you are vs where you would like to be, then setting up some guidelines that align with what’s most important to you and your family. It allows you to set up a framework around the family values that mutually align with everyone and how to best handle difficult situations cohesively.
There are often times we dip into different kinds of parenting styles depending on a variety of factors like work demands, traveling schedule, life events, stressful days, solo parenting, you name it. It’s so important to keep in mind that each family, child and situation is completely different and unique. There's no one cookie-cutter way that works best for all and what works well one day, may not work the next. You know your child best!
The 4 Types of Parenting Styles:
Developmental psychologist Dr. Diana Baumrind developed 3 main parenting styles in the 1960’s based on a parents level of warmth + control, with a 4th “uninvolved style” added later on.
Authoritarian Parenting Style: High on Control, Low on Warmth
Authoritative Parenting Style: High on Control, High on Warmth
Permissive Parenting Style: Low on Control, High on Warmth
Uninvolved Parenting Style: Low on Control, Low on Warmth
They were developed based on decades of research correlating how children were raised in relation to how they developed in terms of social competence, academic performance, risky behaviours, and overall well being.
The American Academy of Paediatrics, several psychologists worldwide and decades of research backed studies point to the authoritative style resulting in the best impact on how the child developed in terms of respectfulness, confidence, resiliency and capability.
What Is Authoritarian Parenting?
High on Control, Low on Warmth
The Authoritarian Parenting Style is more of an obedience/dominance parent driven approach often with strict rules and little to no flexibility or consideration to hear a child's feelings or point of view.
Authoritarian Parenting Traits:
Obedience + dominance focused
Can perceive a child’s expression of feelings as defiance
View discipline as a means to punish and get a child in line
Struggle with being flexible, or considering childs point of view perspective
”I’m the parent, you’re the child, you listen to me”
“Because I said so”
It is often used with good intentions as a means to protect and guide. It may be in line with how they were raised with a belief that this is how it’s supposed to be or what works best to keep a child in line.
Potential Positives for Children of Authoritarian Parenting:
Behave well
Good at following instructions
May be more responsible + respectful of authority
May be more beneficial when used in communities with higher crime rates
Potential Drawbacks for Children of Authoritarian Parenting:
May be less empowered to trust themselves
May have lower self-esteem, decision making, social or leadership skills
May have people pleasing tendencies or fear of punishment
Tends to lead to more anxiety, depression, or child withdrawal.
What Is Permissive Parenting?
Low on Control, High on Warmth
The Permissive Parenting Style is high in warmth and connection but with less expectations and structure.
Children of permissive parents have the freedom to make decisions like what to eat, when to go to bed and whether to do their homework.
Permissive parents may try to control their child’s environment so the child doesn’t have to experience rejection or failure. This means the child may enter adulthood unprepared.
Permissive Parenting may also be used from a desire to nurture the child’s free spirit, or more aligned with learning from natural consequences rather than forced consequences.
Permissive Parenting Traits:
Children run the show
Warm, Nurturing, Open Communication
Discipline is a challenge, little to no structure or consistency
Doesn’t try to regulate child’s behaviour, the child doesn’t know what is or isn’t acceptable
Avoid tantrums at all costs, walk on eggshells, May set a limit then give in when they react
Uses bribes or gifts for cooperation
Potential Positives for Children of Permissive Parenting:
Tend to have good self-esteem
Adapt well socially
High creativity and exploration
Potential Drawbacks for Children of Permissive Parenting:
May be impulsive, demanding or entitled
May lack the skills to regulations emotions if not taught
May lead to risky behaviours
May challenge respecting authority
What Is Authoritative Parenting?
High on Control AND Warmth
The Authoritative Parenting Style is the combination of high age-appropriate expectations and high warmth + consideration of a child's perspective. It has been backed by decades of research to be considered the most ideal parenting style for the development and wellbeing of children for the healthy balance of both loving limits and nurturing connections.
Authoritative Parenting Traits:
Relationship Focused
Clear communication + warm boundaries
Views discipline as a means to teach rather than punish
Modifies behaviour but with cooperation, consideration and communication rather than control
Can be flexible, listens to child’s perspective, but parents are the ultimate decision maker
Authoritative parents develop close, nurturing relationships with their children. Children with authoritative parents tend to grow up confident, responsible and capable of managing their emotions. They also tend to be friendly, open-minded and achievement-oriented.
Potential Positives for Children of Authoritative Parenting:
Healthy relationships with themselves and others
Studies show often happier, more capable, and independent
Learn how to manage their emotions in a healthy way
Achievement-oriented, do better in school
Have less anxiety, depression and substance abuse
Potential Drawbacks for children of Authoritative Parenting:
Normal developmental phases may seem more difficult for authoritative parents who balance high expectations for their children while trying to raise them in the best way possible
What is Uninvolved Parenting:
Low on Control AND Warmth
The Uninvolved Parenting Style is often not a conscious choice, but rather forced by circumstances, such as mental health concerns, demanding workload, the need to work late shifts, single parenting or overall family troubles.
Uninvolved Parenting Traits:
May pay little attention to the child
Minimal affection or nurturing
Few expectations or limitations for their child
Doesn't meet physical, emotional or psychological needs, leaving the child to fend for themselves
Potential Positives for Children of Uninvolved Parenting:
Tend to grow up resilient
Become self-sufficient out of necessity
Potential Drawbacks for Children of Uninvolved Parenting:
Lead to more anxiety, fearfulness, sadness, struggle in school
Hard time managing emotions, don’t develop effective coping strategies
May have difficulty maintaining social relationships
Tend to have low self-esteem
May seek inappropriate role models or risky behaviours or substance abuse
Where Does Conscious Parenting Fit Into All This?
Conscious Parenting aligns closely with the Authoritative Parenting Style in that it strives for a healthy balance of warmth and loving limits.
Conscious parenting changes the way we look at behaviour and uses the parents influence to gain a child’s cooperation in a way they don’t feel shamed or fearful.
The parents respond to a child’s behaviour from a place of curiosity to understand what is at the root of it. What need is the child trying to get met right now? Is this a skill that needs work or time developing? Are there some cracks in our relationship that need mending?
Next week we’ll dive deeper into The ABC’s of Conscious Parenting and the core principles but this is a great place to start in brining awareness to where you are now and where you would like to be
Lots of Light + Love,
Michelle
XO
